Rodi's Journal [Comments Welcome]

[Rodi]

May 11, 14th Year
I am in love with this human woman, though I can never admit it. I am still a boy in her eyes, never mind that age means very little among my people. I see the way that she looks at me and it is not the way a woman would look at her love. She loves me, yes, but not the way I love her. My infatuation with this woman could ruin everything if I ever spoke of it. It would complicate our partnership and that cannot be allowed.

There is something else, too. A look in her eyes. I feel she has not told me everything about my past. She is keeping something from me. I do not know what or why, but it fills me with apprehension. I know her too well. Whatever it is will most likely hurt me, but not knowing hurts me all the more as my mind fills with questions and cruel imaginings. So far she has told me nothing of my human family, and I wonder if that is the secret she keeps.

Cloti. My temper with her is so short. If only I could tell her…It is not her, but me! It is myself that I hate. She is so beautiful, so talented, so fair. I, by contrast, am cruel, crude, and temperamental. I do not deserve her. No matter how hard I try I will never deserve her. This ache in my chest is too much to bear. My words are tainted by the pain I feel. I am weak for not being able to control this.

If only I could apologize. But I can’t. She can never know. Better she think I am cruel than think I love her. She trusts me and she forgives me, despite everything. That, too, is difficult to bear. I will push through. The Song needs me to be strong for them. I am a leader in this war. Our partnership must come first if we are going to succeed. And so I must burn this love right out of my system; it has no place here.

[Rodi]

May 22, 14th Year
I met a man at the Snake’s Bite Inn the other day. Thinking of him sends anger through my heart. He plans on destroying the mound. My people. My home. I cannot imagine what his grudge could be. He sounds so terribly human. Is he going to unravel everything that I have worked for? This cannot happen. I cannot allow it. If I do, then I am truly unworthy as a fae, as a human, and as a living creature.

I have killed fae. I have killed humans. But only in self defense and only to rescue others from dangerous. I kill in order to save. Does that make me a monster? If so, that is a price I am willing to pay. I would rather those hungry for war meet the end of my blade than those who have little or nothing to do with it. Yes, I am a murderer. But my innocence was sacrificed long ago.

This man is evil. He kills for the sake of destruction and power. There is no balance there. I must stop him or die trying. Right now he is weak. The man is gathering forces. But I fear his numbers will grow much too quickly. He knows where to look. Spirit. The Southern Boil. People will follow him just for the sake of getting paid to kill. That thought sickens me. We must strike fast.

I will talk to Cloti, hear her speak. See what she can find out. Together we will make a plan. We will succeed. We always have. Should we fail…I will end it. If this man succeeds in his plot then I am truly just a kid. Unfit for the world I live in. I will give my life to the gods, Ortalisen help me, and I will give my place to Winter. May the Song thrive under his leadership if I fall.

[Rodi]

May 26, 14th Year
My heart grows heavy. I can feel the pressure of my existence wearing me down. While on my raids I see boys my age. Humans boys. They rush about in pages garb, running errands and practicing with their weapons. I would have been one of them, training to fight for the king’s army. I would have laughed with them, joked with them, fought with them. I would have loved them.

Now I am the enemy. I am something frightening to them. I wear my hair long; it is the color of their blood. My eyes shimmer like liquid death and my skin is terrifyingly pale. Oddly, those are not the things that scare them the most. It is my ears. My ears stir the hatred in their hearts. It is hatred propelled by reckless fear. My ears make me evil. But do I not love, just as they love?

The fae and the humans are separated by culture. The humans have clear rules, clear definitions of good and evil. But that seems to be a necessity for a breed of their passions and intelligence that breeds quickly. They would be lost to chaos without it. The fae do not believe in good and evil. They are bound only by the strict magics that bind their tongues and hearts.

The fae are bound by magical honor and the humans are bound by each other. The point is, both are bound as intelligent creatures must be. The fae wanted to change the humans over to their ways. The humans wanted to change the fae as well. Neither side can succeed because both sides have developed what they need for survival. I understand that. What I don’t understand is the hatred…

[Rodi]

May 27th, 14th Year
Today I saw a couple in love. A human couple. The man was brown haired and tall. The female had hair like gold and the eyes of an emerald. She winked and murmured something; he laughed heartily. Not a care in the world for both of them. I suppose they felt safe within their City walls. They were sharing some sort of frozen dessert topped with fruits and drizzled in honey.

They must have been married because he was holding her and they were not chaperoned. I watched as other humans averted their gazes as they walked by, as though that simple act of love was something taboo. I do not understand humans, even now. They place so much effort into choosing their families. They take such care in raising their children. Why are they so afraid of comfort and love?

I think it might be because they do not live very long. Humans seem to fear death. Why would one wish to get close to another if that other is bound to be taken from them? I cannot help but to pity them for their coldness. If only they could see the world from our point of view, just in that one matter. The simple act of holding hands can work wonders for the soul.

I am happy for that human couple. Happy that they stole a little moment of love. Happy that they were able to ignore the sour looks. But the strangers…They made me angry. I could feel my fingers clench and my heart pound with frustration. I do not understand! Why did they choose to live that way? How could anyone look upon that couple with anything but tenderness?

[Rodi]

May 30th, 14th year
I killed a dragon today. It was not the first time. I have gone to the Cliffs of Heaven to train many times before. Fighting dragons is a good way to hone your battle skills. They are far tougher than any human or fae, for the most part. And when the fight gains heat all I have to do is hypnotize the thing and run. I rarely kill without good reason.

This was the first time I ever killed a mother dragon. I feel like a monster. I owe the newborn a parent figure. But how can the parent’s murderer take over as parent? That seemed twisted, somehow. Not that the dragon would ever understand. So long as I raise it to adulthood my debt will be repaid. I wonder how long that will take?

I don’t know the first thing about motherhood. I am a fourteen year old boy. Not only that, but I have a secret order to run. Full of danger. Full of fighting. There is nothing maternal in me. Maybe Cloti can help! We can raise the little beast together! Something about that makes me feel all warm inside. Also slightly horrified.

I owe this beast. I do not want to fail at taking care of it. I have to name it, and feed it, teach it how to fight…You know what? I know how to do all of those things! I deal out code names for the Song. I eat. I can fight. Okay. Maybe I can do this. I mean, dragons don’t need love and cuddles, right? Yeah. I can do it.

[Rodi]

June 1st, 14th year
I am growing rather fond of Julienhe. She is a fun companion who brightens my day with her silly antics. The way her scales change color is fascinating to me. I have lost her more than once, only to find her right beside me. She still bites. I wonder if she is teething? I am thinking of stopping by the Bestiary for a book on proper dragon care.

She is eating well. Her teeth are so small, but little Jul has no problem tearing up the meat I give her. Sometimes she eats so fast I swear she just swallows it whole. I seem to have developed a soft spot for this dragon. I feel sad when I look at her sometimes. Her life should not be like this.

Sometimes I catch her trying to fly. I do not think her wings are strong enough yet, but one day…I can’t help but wonder if I will ever get to ride her. Jul is a wild animal. I do not know how to train her or if she can be trained at all. But would that not be amazing? The Song would truly strike fear into the hearts of our enemies if we had a dragon on our side.

I am afraid that is only a dream. Jul belongs in the wild. I know this. Even if I did not, the creature does not even recognize her name. I cannot touch her without her biting at my clothes. I am lucky she has not gone for my bare skin or I would be in trouble! I suppose I will have to see what the books say on the subject.

[Rodi]

June 2nd, 14th Year
The dragon went hunting today. Only a few days old and she is remarkably self-sufficient. I have set up a home for her on Song property. It is in the yard by the greenhouse. Julienhe seemed to enjoy exploring the yard. She has chosen several hiding spots. The creature is very shy. At the moment, I am the only one able to touch her. She will not go near anybody else.

I believe she prefers to be alone. So I left her today. I had some training to do with some of my warriors and I did not think she would enjoy the crowd. I was curious to see how she would handle herself if I left her alone. When I came back, I found her burrowed inside one of her hiding spots. She was hidden by bushes and pressed against the high stone wall that surround the yard.

And she was eating! I peered closer and found her devouring a large rat. Further investigating showed more bones from other small animals. I am not sure if all of those remains were from today or if she was hunting at night, too. I must say I am impressed. She must be quick! Both in mind and in body. Jul did not have anyone to teach her how to hunt or what foods to hunt for.

The instincts of a dragon must be deeply embedded into them. I confess to not knowing nearly enough as I should now that I am taking care of one. I have not had time to go down to the Bestiary to get a handling book, but I do plan on doing that as soon as I am able. Jul has become a curiosity. I’m afraid if I leave her alone for too long, someone will go poking their nose too close to her teeth!